Grief

Times like today are hard

Usually, around the holidays, grief is the hardest. I’m sure I am not the only one who thinks more about their loved ones, that have passed away, during the holidays. Grief appears more at holidays, because through all of the get togethers with family and friends, there is an empty spot where someone used to be.

My niece passed away almost 8 years ago. She was six and a half years old at the time. Every Christmas or Thanksgiving, there is a gap that I feel. Sometimes, that causes anxiety attacks, because my brain asks, “What is going to happen this year!” Through the last few years, I have learned how to cope with the anxiety somewhat. Talking with friends and family has helped a lot.

But, this year is harder. This year has been full of losses for me. It just really seems like losses are piling up. This year, I lost some very dear friends and family, and coping seems to be impossible.

My grief is still very prominent, and I cry a lot. However, I think the hardest part is that I feel like I don’t have the right to miss them as much as I do.

I lost two of my closest friends. One in January 2021 and one in November 2021. They were not my biological family, but to me they felt like it. I am not their sister, spouse, or daughter. Because of this, I feel like my grief is not as important as those who are their close family. So, I work to help their family and close friends through their time of grief. All the while, I am tucking away my own grief. I’m sure I am not the only one who does this.

Why do I feel that way though? As Christians, we are called to “bear one another’s burdens,” Galatians 6;2. So why do I feel like I have to go through things alone?

The truth is in how I view myself. I don’t find myself of worth. I was just telling my mom tonight, that I can sell anything as long as it is for other people and not for myself. When I consider doing things for myself, I just can’t seem to figure out what to do. The same thing applies to grief. When I told my husband that I didn’t feel like I should have the grief I do, he told me, “You have every right to have grief. Your grief is your grief.’ Everyone has a right to their grief and everyone’s grief is different.

So no matter how old or new your grief is, just take it one step and one moment at a time. My friend who I lost in November once said to me, “I wish nothing more than for the the situation to be different, but I know that God still knows best. No matter how hard it is for us.”

Someone sent this to me last year after I lost a baby. I thought it an appropriate way to end this.

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

1. You have the right to experience your own, unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerent of your physical and emotional limits.
5. you have the right to experience “griefbursts.”
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. (My advice: Run to God with every emotion)
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Author: Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, C.T. www.centerforloss.com